Self doubts

I have always been a humanities type of person. I am good at humanities, I did well in my humanities subjects in school.

So, is it wrong to be truly interested in doing Science? I love science as much as I love humanities, but my science is always that one notch below my humanities subject.

I worked very hard for my science subjects to be where I am today. But, I am afraid that I cannot make it or unable to do as well as the people in my course in poly. One reason is that I don’t take pure science so I have a lot of chapters and details that I haven’t covered in secondary school. Second being that I don’t even take biology in secondary school.

I am just afraid that I might not take the stress of having to work extra hard and needing to do a lot of other extra curriculum work so that it would be easier for me to get into university in the future. I am just afraid that as much as I love science, I just may not be cut out for this field.

I am good at doing sales, I am good at humanities and all. But, I just cannot see myself working in the business industry or the service industry.

I enjoy my lab sessions very much in secondary school, that said, I screwed up quite a bit in my lab sessions as well. -.- Hence, the many self doubts and crap. Seriously, I cannot even handle the simple Chemistry and Physics lab lessons well, who am I to say that I can handle biology lab lessons without screwing up?

Yeah, I did well in my science no doubt but it’s still not that ONE on my certificate. But I got the ONE for my Combined Humanities.

Therefore, even after the submission of the JAE form and all, I am starting to feel scared and doubting myself for if the choice I have made for myself is right for me. Am I cut out to do science?

Actually, I don’t even know what type of person I am anymore. I love both humanities and science. I love my language too. I think I really like to study. Even though it sucks and its stressful and tiring and makes people go crazy. But the feeling of doing well in your exams? God, losing sleep for months, looking like crap with pimples all over your forehead and throwing random temper at your sister and making everyone around you pissed is totally worth it. That moment will tell you that everything you have suffered through is worth it. Best part? No one can ever take that away from you.

Now I say all this crap is probably because I know my results. Ptff right?

Well, once again, I am not so sure about myself again. Its different, I’m not talking about being promoted to Secondary 5 or getting into NP/SP anymore. I’m talking about Medical School. Not everyone can become a doctor, I am just not so sure if I can be one of them or I would always have to keep that thought hidden in the corner of my mind and not think about it for the rest of my life.

I told my friends before that being a musician is really awesome, being able to play an instrument is really cool and that not every tom dick harry can play the instrument but everyone can somehow sing (at least the national anthem). And I became a musician and I did quite a good job at it. However, I am unable to tell myself this when it comes to medical school.

I became a musician. Doctor? I don’t know.

I suppose I have to wait till Wednesday to know if I proceed a step further towards my dream or that I should put that dream forever to the back of my head and move on with life.

Random thought here: For me, I think I can stand being single for the rest of my life and live with it but I don’t think I can stand living a life if my career is not good. I just cannot, because I have to make my career my love life so as to fill up the space for that part of my life.

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